Eulogy to my mobile

In fond memory of the departed: Nokia n82

I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. I knew you were my joy when I held you. You drove me crazy with passion for you and I knew I had to own you; you were mine and only mine even before we met. I remember the first touch, it was magical, I delicately caressed your smooth and shiny body and your face lit up, you responded with all the vigor of your youth and I felt so conscious about how precious you were to me, so conscious that I held you tighter and closer, afraid you would slip away from me, afraid I would hurt you, afraid to lose you...
I carried you all the way home, never took my eyes off you throughout and in the moments we shared you opened up to me, gently unraveling your personality to me, guiding me, telling me how to handle you. You told me who you were and in turn I told you who I was. You became a part of me and I yours. Our relationship could never be defined but could never be denied either. In those initial days I was so obsessed with you, you occupied my thoughts every day, and I just couldn’t keep my hands off you. I spent endless hours in conversation with you and sometimes we just kept gazing at each other never speaking a word. I was the naughty boy who kept fiddling with you whenever I wanted, but you never complained, never turned away from me. You had devoted yourself for me.
I had toiled for a lifetime to get you. You were the symbol of my independence and esteem. You confirmed my conviction that I am capable of things I thought were impossible and ever since the first day we been going everywhere together. My family and friends approved of you accepted you and were happy that we were together. For the past two years you have been seeing me and I saw myself through you and you held in you my fondest of memories and good times. Every morning when I woke up, I looked at you first and yours was the first voice I heard. You have heard all my conversations, known the deepest and darkest of my secrets, celebrated with me in my most joyous of moments, consoled me in my saddest of moments, advised me in my most confused of moments, encouraged me in my most fearful of moments, accompanied me in my loneliest of moments and at times simply listened to me.
I don’t know why you left me, probably it was my carelessness, probably I was not worthy of you, probably happiness is never forever, probably fate does not have a heart. But I do know that you did not leave me intentionally, you would never hate me, and you would never give up on me, even if I did. Now that you have left, I realized how much I loved you and how much you meant to me. I long for your touch again, I long for your loving caress as your body brushed gently against my cheeks every time I spoke to you and your sweet voice chimed in my ears, in my mind and in my heart. I wish we could have been back together, wish I could capture my memories through you, and wish to love you more than ever.
But I know that won’t happen and the pain is killing me, my heart is crying out, my soul is burning and I am drowning in my own tears. Someday I will get over it, someday the wound will heal and I will smile again until then this sword remains struck in my heart. But let that not stop you from being happy wherever you are, my friend, my confidante, my pride, my love.....................carry on.

WORD

I, Perspicacious SoberCritter has decided to revolutionise the language I speak starting now.

What do you call an unplanned pregnancy?
Misconception.
plural of crisis-
crisii

010101010101010 & love

I am not in love, never was, nor have any prospects in the near future. Not many whirlwind affairs going on in my proximity, I can swear by that interdimensional portal that opens up and swallows every girl I give a second look at. I am as romantic as the cavitations of a German u-boat, guess all that qualifies me as ‘critic’ of this subject. If you are wondering why bother, here is why. I recently got dumped by my virtual girlfriend on GTA San Andreas because I prefer ‘taking out’ gangsters to taking her out. So just to make my life more difficult I decided to understand this overrated phenomenon. Since supercritter has an acute shortage of grey matter, I delegated this job (should he choose to accept it) to an alter ego.
Enter the perspicacious sobercritter.
I started by trying to find a definition, one that is not commonplace nor is a proprietary license of bollywood. I was aided by the insightful words of agent Smith. According to him only the human brain can come up with something as absurd as love, that it is a mere construct of the human mind trying to justify its own existence. My endeavor returned an abundance of definitions in all the splendour of unconventionality. But the 'why' is more important than 'what'. The existence of the strangest of things is justified by a purpose. Some say that it is the cure for the guilt of promiscuous sex, also that love always comes before sex. So love is foreplay? A certain conspiracy theory says that love is a social mandate created by scheming adults trying to control their little worlds; they figured sex wasn’t a decent act but can’t get rid of it due to obvious survival issues and besides, its way too much fun. So love is a cover? It may seem that love is all about physical needs. So get a hooker. It’s cheaper, no strings attached, they exhibit more dedication and its skilled labour. Some people see love as the journey from ogling to orgy, others mean business. They check out, take out, make out and get out. The real slick ones have it easier, they crash, bang and scram. But if the physical urge is the reason then love is not a necessity. As the Anorexic Atheist points out - where there is a hand there is a way.

So is the need emotional? Every one wants to be loved, to be cared about and that special someone will be there for you always. Maybe I should have typed that sentence in pink, maybe not. But why should that person be special? They can’t probably be as special as parents, who stood by you through your journey from nothing to nobody. So is it about having a deep understanding of each other, to complement and complete each other? How can two rights make a wrong? Yeah right.
Let me cite myself as an example. I am a metal head. My choice of movies span from the intricate to the gory. My humour is as twisted as our bureaucracy. Gamer at heart, infant by brain and out of my mind. What are the chances that there exists a girl for me and she is an organic life form. Maybe love is all about listening to each other, to pay attention to that person, savouring the said, and craving for the unsaid. When lips move, eyes meet and thoughts drift. Kind of difficult considering we never listened to anyone and anything till then in life, not to parents, lectures, rational, advice, wise men, emergency announcements, pop music, news etc. Wiseman says love is about sharing. Love is the coming together of two persons; it’s the merging of body, soul, movable and immovable and they say-“what we have will share the unison, in which we are, BUT this will contradict every concept of privacy, individuality and that ‘trespassers will be decapitated’ sign hanging outside my room. So what? Insanity lost its freshness since we fell in love”.

Love doesn’t complete the quintessential movie formula, it takes a stellar climax and maybe a guest appearance too. So my last question went out to the pink unicorn. I asked “why is love such a magical feeling? Why do the eyes see pink and heart flutter? Why does the face beam and lips quiver? Why does one dream and smile for no reason? Rain or shine why does he feel like spring season?
Pink unicorn replied “that’s cuz love has got some major hormonal backup”

As I conclude, I have no answers and I won’t bother asking anymore questions. Explanations and directions are not to be expected of me, for I am a blind visionary.

P.S. - The reason for a binary title? Two:
0: Dedication to people who think they are ‘the ones’ but are actually zeroes.
1: My wish that the world was as simple as that.

NEWS:This just in, the self-appointed champion of nothing "supercritter" was found sloshed on the pavement.Corporate work culture,core values and business ethics drove him to it, reportedly.
A source not too close to him said "his reputation did a Hancock, so did his remuneration"

p.s: In continuation to the supercritter series

Reinstating chaos

The fruit of my mind is lost
to a glorified chipmunk
on Hanukkah before Christmas,
Thou shalt not slide,
declared the potato
and thus harrowed the soul of the squirt,
but few have the valiance
to proclaim their love for the axle,
a certain clot will agree with me

Alas! Rejoice dragqueen,
Thy beloved broccoli has returned home,
only to self-decapitate in spelling bee,
Follow me to the far east,
where horseshoe grows jello,
its blowhole had a brainstorm
and since then walks on Jews

The tempest of the intellect
is a floss in time,
I express my lustful passion-
You’re the icicle of my popsicle,
the cuticle of my tentacle
and yet you wont be mine,
now that the truth has dawned,
the foolish dreamer leaves this place


P.S. will continue if not brutally mangled by the sane.
Disclaimer: All discrepancies are meant to be.

Pulling a veggie on a vegan

“I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian” –Anorexic Atheist (eating chicken since 1987)

My post couldn’t have starter on a graver note. But the inevitable future needs to be spoken about, for sides need to be taken and alliances forged. The issue at hand is not terrorism, racism and religious fanaticism yet is more global in its appeal and primordial to mankind. It is the war between vegans and non-vegans.

I see no future for terrorism. Terrorist in my opinion is not exactly the classic definition of wise guy. No offence to the phlegm syllabled homo saps but in spite of their extensive training and meticulous planning they seem to forget to get away after lighting the fuse with alarming consistency. When it hits the news their outfit claim it to be a successful “suicide” bombing. They obviously have a good P.R. but a lousy H.R.Their incentives seem to be in line with their job security. They get 72 virgins in heaven. So blowing is your job on earth and 72 others will handle the same in heaven. To quote Walter the puppet "Frankly I would prefer 1 pro who knows what she is doing to 72 clueless girls".

Moving on to racism, the battle is already over and the blacks won. One parameter considered was attraction to the opposite sex and the ladies preferred black men for recreational and procreational activities (also recreational procreation, seems to mean the same thing in any order of arrangement). The answer is simple white men can’t hump.

This brings us to the culinary wars. The early sign of its cause was observations by a group of wanna be engineers highly specialized in nothing in particular, that a group of people though varied in religion, caste, race, gender etc are barely conscious of these differences under normal circumstances but the mere act of having food together incites divisional tendencies, The non-veg on one side and veg on the other. As an affiliate of the better side I must indulge myself in the act of bashing my lesser adversaries by all means necessary (verbal and textual so far) to do my part in this war.

Vegetarians will be spared as they have a mere aversion to meat which came about not by a thought process and they do not have any feelings towards this issue, so to say have a “vegetative” state of existence. My ire is directed to vegans who consider vegetarianism as a philosophy, particularly to must-be banned outfit called PETA. In a desperate attempt to add purpose to their miserable existence they embrace a cause which they feel would lead to a more natural way of life. They see the world through rosy glasses and think eating meat involves some amount of cruelty which is spared in case of vegetables. Is the death of a plant in anyway less than the death of chicken? If chicken has blood, plants have sap but it’s the hemoglobin in the former that makes you cringe. At least the chicken can express its pain, a plant can’t and we don’t exactly have a shortage in supply of chicken but we do have the issue of deforestation. Every year vast expanses of forest area is converted into agricultural land and NOT poultry farms. So you can see that eating meat actually saves our environment. But sadly enough, the vegans don’t get the big picture; they campaign by putting supermodels in cages to indicate cruelty against animals (appreciate that, though it works against their purpose) and make them pose nude for anti-fur campaign (appreciate that too, though I see a pic of the same model in fur next to this pic on image search).

Some radical members have gone to the extend of boycotting dairy products claiming that cows are not allowed to graze in vast meadows in Switzerland, they are injected with oxytocin hormones for more yield and forced into animal husbandry. If this is inhuman then what is human? To work in little cubicles? Or testosterone, Viagra, botox instead of oxytocin? And I wish I was made to mate with superior quality partners.

So if any fathead wants to be the John Connor of the vegan resistance then you can bet my T1000 ass that this war will be of gastronomical proportions.

ENTER THE CRITTER

In a world ruled by the diabolic forces of intelligence, sanity and coherence.where rationality is the order of the day and man is reduced to smart computing machines in there quest for success ,there existence justified by purpose "allegedly". it seemed as if there was hope for the world ... it was time that the world need a hero to free them from there happiness ,to infest there minds with insanity ,to impregnate there brains with irrationality, to bring back the good old days when people had no clue what they where blabbering about ,to extrapolate the incoherent,to promote the random ,to accelerate entropy .to save the world from certain order,to keep repeating the same sentence with different words too many times after the point is proven.to replace all the "their"s with "there.
the supercritter has arrived and so is his cheesy writing.his identity has been kept secret to prevent from getting mobbed by the ladies ,squirrels and the person from whom i lifted the photo.